So Mother’s Day has ended in the US. In Blighty this had
come and gone in March but my mind rolls over motherhood again and in
particular mother’s day. You can’t really escape it in social media, in the run
up there are loads of inspirational quotes about the bond between mother and
daughter, mother and sons, lists of things to do to say thank you and how much
you appreciate mother. It was when I read an article about mother’s day for
those who have lost children that the seed was planted for what I am writing
here. Another theme that does tend to come up during this time is forgiveness. That
while things may have happened in some nether where things were said, now is
the time in honour of mother’s day to forgive and move on. Please see
appropriate card via moonpig.
This is always a
strange time for me and I am sure that I am not alone. You see I do not speak
to my mother. It is always a strange thing, when you meet someone new and there
comes the point when you have to explain that your mother is not a factor in
your life.
It’s been brought home to me more since I have my own
daughter. The thing is that usually people presume she is dead, but then the
inevitable happens so you have to prepare a statement to handle it. It’s a bit
like Jenny Garp in ‘The World According to Garp’ by John Irving. You find a way
to put across an awkward situation that happened ages ago using succinct sentences.
One of the trends that I have realised is that when faced
with a scenario like this, a lot of people want to ‘fix’ it. They ask about the
time that has passed, they remark about how long it’s been and about letting go
and forgiveness. They insert the relevant Dr Phil-Oprah-Deepak-Iyanla
platitude. I used to get really angry about it, I used to feel shame because I
felt like there was something that was wrong again that I needed to fix. Because,
clearly I wasn't going through enough just dealing with the aftermath of it
all. A few years ago, something happened which changed my perspective.
Actually they were two separate incidents. One incident was
talking to my brother and a friend about an old memory. My brother and I were
laughing about it but our friend wasn't. She was a bit horrified and challenged
us to realise that our humour was a guard; it was how we dealt with the awful
things that happened when we were kids. It made us both look at our past with
very different eyes.
The second incident was when the lead from Lost
Prophets was arrested. I wondered about those poor children who will grow in
time and find out what was done to them and that the person who was charged
with loving them and caring for them, exploited them. I wondered how the world
would treat them and then I thought about them on mother’s day, hearing some of
the platitudes that I have heard. Believe me; I did not suffer in anyway near
as much as those children. I was not sexually exploited. Around the same time,
I was asked the usual question about making contact, and it began with, “She’s
probably getting old now, do you really want not contacting her to be on your
conscience?” My counter questions were, “Would anyone, who knew the identities of
those children ask them the same question when they got older? Would it be
right? Does anyone ask Tina Turner, the last time she saw Ike and that maybe
things had gone on long enough and she should bury the hatchet?” No because those
are extreme examples of abuse. In their extremity, we allow the victims to make
their decisions. We weigh up the crime and say, “Actually, I can understand why
they want to move on without those people in their lives.” But for people who
have experienced what some may deem lower level abuse, the question is asked of
the victim in many different ways, “How are YOU going to solve this?”
We have become so used to the public spectacle. A lot of
this started with the talk shows, the Sally Jessie Raphael, Jerry Springer,
hell Oprah played her part too. We watch families fall apart and demand they
resolve it in an hour for our entertainment. Our morbid delight that thank fuck
it isn't us up there. This has morphed into Big Brother, Ex on the Beach and
countless other ‘reality’ shows. I am sure that Stephen King’s Running Man is
not far behind. The legacy of that for me are a lot of people who want to
diagnose and fix you because what you are going through defies a norm that they
have in mind. I am by my nature and the choices I have made, a confrontational
person in the eyes of many. The default from some is to assume that this is
some family feud because I didn't keep quiet. The truth is so much more
complicated. This is challenged every damn day, especially when raising my
daughter.
It is a balancing act and then it’s an internal war and then
it mutates into something else. This barrage of parenting advice from
everywhere, applying the things I have learned in counselling, the things I see
and hear and we haven’t even got to Secondary school yet.
One of the things I am grateful for is the
people I surround myself with and in an unusual twist, I am grateful for
Facebook. I don’t just friend anyone on Facebook, I choose carefully and the
things I see on my timeline reflect this. These are folks with great humour and
intelligence, mothers who are sometimes just as bewildered as me at the prospect
of motherhood. It’s nice and refreshing, especially in the face of those who
would only present things as perfect screenshots and I appreciate it, I
appreciate it more on days like today when my daughter challenges me. The
people that I choose to have in my life
remind me of Roald Dahl’s Matilda, they remind me that I am not alone and that
I do not have ‘let bygones be bygones’ to fulfil a strange idea of closure
courtesy of Hallmark.
So what am I saying? What is my helpful Geraldo Riviera
summary. Fuck knows! Just kidding. I am not going to tell anyone to do a damn
thing they don’t want to. Do what is right for you, find resolution and peace
in the way that you need to. While some folks have spent their time telling me
how to find peace about the situation, very few of the same have asked, “How
are you about the situation?” Not everything has to be perfectly resolved to
the specifications of others. I think that today was just a day to remind
myself what I have been through, what I am going through and the legacy that I
deal with everyday. To pluck the fruit from the seed planted months ago.
Now take care of yourselves and….oh bollocks!!
Wow!! Beautifully written and heart felt. I have had the pleasure of calling you a close friend for 8 years now (and counting) and know how much this topic resonates with you.I think you articulated your emotions and thoughts clearly. I feel that you have made your peace with it, and it is what it is. *he says in a fake LA accent* No need for ceremony or pomp, just honest and open dialogue, no need for shame or fear. Keep writing and serving truth. Oby x
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your kindness, you awesome dude!
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